


Melancholia

by Denrinko



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Comfort Sex, Depressed Orihara Izaya, Hate Sex, M/M, Mental Anguish, One Shot Collection, Painful Sex, Rough Sex, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Slow To Update, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Verbal Abuse, Violent Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 11:21:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14953727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denrinko/pseuds/Denrinko
Summary: Whenever the pain, the hole inside his chest gets too much, Izaya calls someone over so he can feel something. It's a mutual agreement, a way to remind themselves to keep going.Oneshot collection of different alternatives.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> melancholia. : a mental condition and especially a manic-depressive condition characterized by extreme depression, bodily complaints, and often hallucinations and delusions.

"Agh!" I growled as I roll over again for what felt like the hundredth time. The glaring red numbers on the alarm clock beside me tauntingly reminded me that it is four in the morning. Rubbing it in my face that despite going to bed much earlier than usual, I had gotten zero sleep.

I close my eyes and try to let sleep take over me but it's impossible, I can't get comfortable at all. My pillows are too hard despite them being perfect yesterday, my blankets are too warm but it's too cold without them.

I turn my pillows over, punching them slightly before settling back down once again but this isn't right either. Why can't I sleep? I'm so tired, all I want is to get some rest before the sun comes up and I have to deal with another day of work.

I could take some sleeping pills but if I were to take them at this time, I know that I wouldn't wake up to my alarm. The tension in my body seems to double as I give up for the moment and roll onto my back. My bedroom is almost completely pitch black, there's only a sliver of light peeking through the blinds.

"This is bullshit." I mutter to my empty room. The familiar noises from the city reached his ears and I smiled, it was a sad smile. "I see…it's going to be one of those days is it?" I realised as my eyes started to burn with tears.

There was no trigger for the tears, nothing bad had happened that make me upset but every now and then, I feel an unbearable sadness. It's kind of off-putting, I, Orihara Izaya having a mental illness like depression. I knew it was common, more people have it than not these days.

But… I am ashamed.

I'm strong, smart, rich and beautiful but I cannot win against this no matter how hard I try. I can control it, hide it behind a façade but I can't get rid of it. This horrible feeling when everything I have been repressing comes crashing down on me like a tidal wave of despair and self-hatred.

I sit up with a sigh. This feeling…this festering wound inside my heart that feels like an itch I can't scratch. If I rip open my chest would I be able to find it and pull it out? Pull out this feeling inside of myself?

I know that's impossible so why do I want to try it? Stab a knife into my chest, open myself up and dissect all the rotting flesh inside. Feel the intense pain of being tortured, bask in the suffering I so deserve.

I want to destroy myself.

I sigh again and rub my face with my hands. My eyes still burn with tears I refuse to let fall. My throat closes up and my nose itches as I realise once again that I am all alone. No one, no one is here. Not one person in this world wants to be my friend, no one loves me, no one not even the woman that gave to birth to me.

I want to be loved.

I want to have friends that care about me and that I can trust but I can't trust anyone. Everyone just uses me, they use me so I use them. If I keep everyone at arm's length then I won't be hurt when they abandon me but I'm so lonely…it hurts.

Tears finally fall, trailing down my cheeks and splashing onto the bedsheets.

I'm going to be alone until the day I die. Why did it have to be this way? I didn't want it to this way at all. Why did I have to born like this? Ever since I was a child, I was considered strange, my parents hated me, and other kids didn't want to come near me. Even now, I can hear their voices calling me a freak, I can feel the rocks they used to throw at me hit my body.

I bring my knees to my chest and curl into a ball. I never know what to do when I feel like this. I barely function as a normal human being. I'll have to contact Namie to tell her to cancel all my appointments, I don't want anyone to see me like this, I can't face them.

I reach for my phone on the bedside table and send a message to Namie making it out that I'm sick. Well, truth be told I am. I've been sick for a long time and no amount of medication I take makes me feel any better.

I get up from my bed and enter the bathroom refusing to turn on the light as I don't want to see my own pitiful reflection, my own eyes staring back at me in contempt. Opening the medicine cabinet I easily find my sleeping pills, I know where they are by heart now.

If I could sleep, maybe this feeling will be gone when I wake up. I fill up the glass on the sink and swallow two of the pills. It's enough to make me sleep for the entire day and I pray that I will. Maybe asleep, I can escape this feeling.

This horrible, horrible feeling.

I stumble back to my now cold bed and I pull the covers up to my chin. Even as I close my eyes, tears roll down my cheeks. It's so cold here, in this empty bed, in this empty room in this empty apartment.

Everything is so cold and empty.

Just like me.

Sadly, my dreams don't offer me any sort of solace, I dream that I'm somewhere cold, dark and I'm running, I don't know what I'm running from but all I know is that I have to run or something terrible will happen. I can see a small light in the distance so I run toward it but no matter how hard I run, the light never gets any closer.

My legs hurt, I'm out of breath. What do I do? Should I just give in? No matter what I do I'm not getting anywhere but whatever is chasing me, it wants to swallow me whole. Devour me until there is nothing left.

I'm scared.

I'm scared.

I'm scared!

I don't want to disappear!

Please! Please! Someone, help me!

I'm screaming, I'm yelling but no one is coming to save me.

As my heart pounds in my chest and my breath comes out ragged, my legs tire and give out from beneath me. The light disappears and the darkness starts to swallow me-

I wake with a start, completely drenched with sweat. My breathing slows as I come to my senses. "Shit, it was a dream." I murmured. I should be used to it by now, it is, after all, a reoccurring nightmare of mine. It's still dark outside, barely any light reaches my bedroom, it seems as no time has passed at all but a glance at the clock beside me tells me that it is now seven at night.

I slept for over twelve hours. I sigh and turn on the lamp on the table beside me. I don't feel any better which is disappointing.

"Maybe a shower will help…if not…there's always  _that."_ I remind myself as get out of bed and shuffle over to the bathroom to take a shower and perhaps a nice, long bath. The shower eases the tension along my shoulders and washes away the drying sweat on my body.

As I lay in the bath, I stare at the white ceiling with a blank expression. I feel nothing, like an empty husk. It's probably better than the overwhelming sadness I would feel if I let my emotions out. But I don't want too. Emotions, they make me feel so weak and useless.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have them. Then I could live without regrets. I wouldn't have to worry about feeling sad or lonely. I wouldn't have to deal with anything like that. I wouldn't feel happy either but I can't remember the last time I truly felt happiness.

I always act as if I'm having the time of my life but really it's just an act. I stir up trouble, I taunt people and make them hate me because at least that way, I exist. They say hate is the second strongest emotion next to love, no one will ever love me so I'll have to make do with second best.

If people hate me, I will continue to exist. The darkness can't swallow me because those who hate me will seek me out for their revenge. I made it this way, this is the only way it can be. Someone like me can't touch the light no matter how much I try.

My eyes once again burn with tears but I swallow them down, quickly getting out of the bath and pulling on a pair of shorts and a hoodie.

When I pick up my phone, there is actually a message which is surprising. It's a shame it's just a response from Namie cursing my existence and demanding she still be paid despite not working. I ignore the message and open my contacts, scrolling down until it reaches a certain name.

I don't remember when it started. When I started messaging for him to come around when I'm like this. I don't know what possessed me to form this sort of strange relationship but all I know is that I don't want to be alone and he's the only one that will stay with me even if it's just for a few hours.

It's a distraction, a remedy to this loneliness. I should be ashamed, offering myself up to have someone be willing to stay with me for a few hours but it's all I can do.

Plus, there's a strange justice to it. I feel like I'm being punished but at the same time as he is holding me, willingly connecting himself me more than anyone else ever has. I've read about this, that people with depression will often act recklessly and do things that may hurt them.

Having sex with him is like that.

It hurts, it hurts a lot. Not the act its self but the impact it has on me. When it's all over and he leaves, it hurts even more than before but the itch I have to claw at the festering wound inside of me in sated and I can act like I'm alright.

It's almost a twisted way of self-harm. I purposely call him over because I know it will hurt me, I know that despite how pleasurable the sex may be, it only ends up harming me in the end. Because the warmth of his body makes what used to be cold, freezing - what used to be dark, a pitch black void.

But I crave it. I crave the feeling of being connected to him, being punished like that. So every time I can't escape this feeling, I send him a message. A simple message of just two words.

**[Come over.]**

It doesn't take long before a reply comes. I already know what it will contain.

**[I can't.]**

He always protests, always tries to make up some sort of excuse on why he can't come, why this is a bad idea.

**[Come over.]**

But he always comes over because he knows, he's the same as me. He knows this feeling all too well as he has it too.

He'll come over no matter what.

Because I always do when he calls me.

We always make excuses, try to escape this cycle but it's endless.

It can't be broken.

Because it's all we have.

**[I'll be there soon.]**

My smile is full of desolation.

Because we're both broken inside.

**[I'll be waiting.]**


	2. Ryugamine Mikado

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes a moment for him to respond, it always does but when he does, it's soft and gentle. No one else had ever treated me this way and it hurt. Mikado is always so kind and thoughtful it makes me feel so terrible.

It's shortly after eight o'clock when the door buzzes loudly to inform me that Mikado has arrived. I slowly make my way downstairs and unlock the door.

He always looks so sad when he comes to see me. Those blue eyes seem to reflect the emotions in my own.

"Hey." I greet him, moving aside so he can come in. He doesn't reply, he's always really quiet at times like this. Mikado understands what I'm feeling, he wants to make it better but he doesn't know how. He doesn't even know how to make himself feel better.

I take his hand in mine and lead him upstairs to my bedroom. A sole lamp lights up the room enough for me to see his face. It's so strange that I've come to rely on a teenager in such a way. I can't quite remember how this all started but I know I instigated it.

Not that I mind, Mikado understood me. He willingly connected with me in such an intimate way. Mikado's gentle touch on my cheek makes me flinch slightly, Mikado smiles sadly as he always does. I can tell he wants to say something, but can't the right words. I understand. I can't find the right words either so I just step forward, close the distance between us and kiss him.

It takes a moment for him to respond, it always does but when he does, it's soft and gentle. No one else had ever treated me this way and it hurt. Mikado is always so kind and thoughtful it makes me feel so terrible.

"Mhm." I sigh as Mikado's lips travel down my neck, I tilt my head to give him more access. Mikado's arms circle around my waist as he moves forward, forcing me to walk backward until the back of my legs hit the bed forcing me to sit down.

I watch as Mikado unzips his jacket and slips it off shoulders, I watch as it falls to the ground with a quiet sound. I can't help but think that Mikado is small, so small as I move back into the middle of the bed and pull off my hoodie.

He's so small, so young and yet he's here with me. I can feel guilt filling the void in my chest and I sigh but it sounds more like a moan to even my own ears. Mikado's hands are always warm, they travel around my chest, heating my cold flesh as they trace around my nipples and down my ribs.

I let my eyes close as I enjoy the feeling. Someone is touching me, I'm not alone. I tell myself but deep inside I know, I'm just as alone as I was before Mikado came over. Mikado doesn't love me, he doesn't trust me and he isn't my friend.

He is just someone who suffers from the same melancholia as I do.

My arms circle his shoulders as he kisses my chest, I thread my hand into his soft black locks. "Can you call my name?" I ask quietly, Mikado pauses for a moment before kissing my collarbone.

"Izaya." He murmurs, his voice clear and beautiful. I shiver at the word and hug him tighter. He moves slowly, kissing along my collar and down my chest, repeating my name when he sees fit. He's so warm, so comforting.

It almost feels like he cares which makes it hurt more when I remember he doesn't.

"What do you want to do?" Mikado asks his voice gentle and comforting like he was talking to an upset child. I look at the boy hovering over me, taking in his big blue eyes, his flushed cheeks, and wet lips.

"Hold me."

"Yes." Mikado kisses me once again but this time his tongue pries open my lips and slids into my mouth. He tastes every corner of my mouth, his tongue dragging across mine coaxing it to play. I let myself be drawn into the feeling, my tongue dancing with his as wet smacking noises fill my ears as we kiss.

Mikado's fingers trace my sides and come to the waistband of my shorts. He pulls away from the kiss to look at me for approval. I nod and lift my hips a bit so he can pull both the shorts and my underwear off.

"You too." I protest, my hands tugging at the teen's shirt which he soon pulls off, my hands trace the front of his jeans feeling the slight bludge that was slowly growing there. Mikado rocks back so he can undo his jeans and shimmy them off. He hesitates at the waistband of his underwear, he always does this.

I reach out to hook my fingers in his underwear at the same time as I kiss him. He lets me pull down his underwear as his tongue wraps around mine sending jolts of electricity down my spine. He's so warm, where his skin meets mine. It feels like I'm burning and it feels so good.

I make the first move, stroking his half-hard erection gently, coaxing it slowly. Mikado flinches slightly when my cold hands touch it but he sighs in relief and copies me. Taking my member in his hand, we're both barely hard because this isn't about lust, it's about being connected to someone.

Still, it feels good and my breath quickens as pleasure makes my legs shake. My moans are more like sighs as Mikado plants gentle kisses and nips on my neck and chest. I can feel myself becoming more aroused as I squirm impatiently.

"Mikado." I moan breathlessly and the teen smiles, his blue eyes filled with an empty sadness. He knows, he understands but I wish he wouldn't look at me like that. He moves to grab the lube and condoms from the bedside table, he's been here too many times – he already knows where everything is.

But it's the same for me when I go to Mikado's apartment. I've already lost count of how many times we've done this but it's been longer than a year. The teen is already in his third year of high school, he's eighteen now. I shake the thoughts from my mind, trying to keep it blank so I can enjoy this.

I watch as Mikado pours the lube into his hand, rubbing his fingers together to coat them evenly. He looks at me once again, those big blue eyes can see all of me right now but it's okay, I open my legs and beckon him towards me.

"Are you ready?" Mikado murmurs his finger poised at my entrance. I smile and nod. He kisses me as he pushes his finger in. It always feels strange at first, uncomfortable even as he twists that finger inside of me, urging my walls to loosen.

"Ah…" I gasp as he adds another finger. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold him, he kisses me again and again as he stretches me, avoiding my prostate knowing that I want this to last as long as possible.

My hands trace his back, it's much broader than it looks when he's clothed. I find comfort in the feeling of his warm body under my hands, his breath on my neck and his taste on my lips. It seems like forever passes before his fingers slide out of me.

I wait eagerly for what's coming next. I can feel my entrance twitching, wanting the teen as he opens the condom and slides it on his erection. He's pretty big and I feel a little breathless knowing something like that can go into my body. It's the thing that connects us.

When it's inside of me, this horrible feeling in my chest disappears. The urge I have to rip open my chest and dig that feeling out goes away and the desire to hurt myself goes with it. It's probably because despite how good it always feels, how good it is to be connected to Mikado – it hurts.

Mikado doesn't love me, I can't blame him – not even I love me. He doesn't trust me either, which is fair after all the things I've done to him. It's okay though, the fact that he's willing to connect with me in this way is more than I could ever hope for.

I moan under my breath as the tip of his member presses against my entrance, one of his hands on my waist while the other holds me. I wrap my arms around his neck and hold on tight. "Do it." I whisper in his ear causing him to shiver.

He enters slowly and I moan. The feeling of being stretched by him makes my heart pound. It feels so good but it also hurts just a little bit.

"Izaya…" Mikado breathes into the skin just below my ear, his voice is so full of emotion it's hard to protest but it almost sounds like a prayer. Gasps and moans escape my lips despite my efforts to keep them down, Mikado's name common among them.

Mikado stops when he's fully inside and we're both out of breath. My hands are clamp on his sweaty back as we kiss once again, slow and passionate. Precum is leaking from the tip of my member as I wrap my legs around his waist, clinging to him needily but he doesn't mind as his grip on me also tightens.

"Izaya…?" this time my name is a question, his voice is slightly husky but still smooth in my ear.

"Move." I whisper, my body shaking. Mikado does, his thrusts are slow and shallow at first but soon they are hard and deep.

"Ah…! Ah…! Mikado…!" my voice spills out, loud and shameless. Alongside it are the wet sounds of Mikado inside of me and the loud sound of skin slapping as his hips came into contact with my ass. It feels so good, so good.

It's like everything else melts away, nothing else matters, the rest of the world has just melted away leaving just Mikado panting on top of me and the amazing feeling of pleasure. I move one of my hands to cup Mikado's face, looking at him. His blue eyes are clouded with pleasure, his cheeks are flushed and his skin is damp with sweat.

"Hah…Izaya…" he breathes and I kiss him. If I could feel this way forever it would, this mind-numbing pleasure of being connected to someone so deeply. Being able to escape the loneliness, the pain, and the emptiness – it's euphoria.

"Hah…it feels so good…" I moan, tears in my eyes and Mikado nods in agreement focusing more on trying to hit where I feel it the most. His hard work pays off as he hits it dead on and I all but scream, my body overcome by pleasure as he pounds into my prostate again and again until my mind goes blank and each thrust makes stars dance before my eyes.

A garbled mess of moans and incoherent babbling that surely contained Mikado's name spilled from my lips as I clung tightly to the teen, my nails digging into his shoulders as he pressed his forehead into my shoulder and moaning my name heatedly into my hot skin.

I could feel my climax building rapidly, I don't want it to end though, it feels so good.

"Mikado…!" I gasp in warning. "I'm…!" my nails dig into the skin on the teen's shoulder and Mikado grunts. My climax hits me like a tidal wave, my body shudders, my eyes roll back and I let out a silent scream as I cum, my semen shooting out and coating both of our stomach.

"Izaya…!" Mikado groaned through clenched teeth as my inner walls tighten and spasm around his member. He moans, his voice deep and rough as he cums, I can feel his member pulsing inside me and I wish he wasn't wearing a condom so I could feel his release.

Mikado collapses on top of me as we both pant, our bodies twitching from the sheer force of our orgasms. I lay there trying to recover as my body buzzes with the aftermath and Mikado struggles to find the energy to move.

Our heavy breathing is the only sound in the now quiet room. Mikado manages to roll off of me, his softening member sliding out of me and I moan in loss at the feeling. I don't want it to be over yet. I don't want to be alone, the air started to feel cold once more on my sweaty skin and I frown.

I sit up and look at Mikado beside me who had covered his eyes with his arm as he tried to gather himself up enough to no doubt leave but I don't want him to leave just yet. I want to cling to this feeling, the warmth, and the connection. I don't want to face the pain that will come when he leaves.

I stare at his naked body, his soft member still covered by that condom that is full of his thick release. I'm not done it, this hollow feeling is still haunting me. I move quickly, not giving him a chance to push me away. I position myself between his legs which startles him as he quickly lowers his arm and tries to sit up in shock but I push him back down.

"Izaya?" he asks confused. I don't blame him, usually we only do it once but today I'm greedy. I don't want to let this feeling go, I don't want him to leave me alone. I grab his member and pull off the condom watching as his cum dripples down his member and onto my fingers. I feel breathless, I can feel myself quickly becoming aroused once more.

Before Mikado can protest I take his member into my mouth, licking up the cum that coats it. I've never done this before

"Izaya!?" Mikado grabs my hair to try and stop me but I look up at him. Pleading, begging with my eyes. Please, please, I need this. Mikado looks at me sadly, I can see tears swimming in his eyes. He's not crying because he's sad – no. He's crying because I'm sad, he knows how I feel all too well and it pains him to know that some else has to feel the same pain as he does.

I close my eyes and focus on his member in my mouth, it's filling once again. Mikado's grip on my hair in encouraging now, he gently pulls as quiet moans escape his lips. It tastes good, better than I expected and I find myself lapping up the pre-cum that beaded at the tip.

"Izaya…" Mikado grabs my arm to pull me up into a kiss which surprises me. I thought he'd been disgusted knowing what I had just been doing but he seemed completely unfazed as he licked the inside of my mouth.

I moan and shiver feeling his member rubbing against me from where I was straddling his stomach. "Hah…" I pull back from the kiss looking into Mikado's eyes. I shuffle back and position myself. The teen eyes widen as he realises what I am about to do.

"Wait-Izaya!" I pause just before I sink down him, my legs are trembling and I want nothing more than to be connected with him once again. I wait for him to speak impatiently.

"What about a condom?" he says breathlessly, his eyes wide and I bite my lip. I want to be connected with him, no layers, no shield. All I want is to be connected to someone. I can feel my eyes burn with tears, I should have known that he wouldn't want that.

"Why do we need one?" I whisper, looking into his eyes. My arms and legs are shaking from the strain of being in this position. Mikado hesitates, I can see his emotions wavering in his eyes. I won't force him if he says he wants to use one.

His hands wrap around my waist and his expression softens. "You don't want to use one?" he asks quietly and I shake my head. "Alright then." He smiles, that slight sadness is there but I ignore it. I just want more of that feeling, I want to forget my pain.

I slowly slide down on Mikado's hard member with a low moan. It's so much better. It feels so hot, like I'm being burnt. It's so deep too, I can feel it all the way to my stomach. I'm panting by the time it's fully inside me.

"Are you alright?" Mikado asked concerned and I nod. This is strange, it's different. We don't usually do this but I can't stop myself. It's so warm, the darkness can't even touch me like this. Once he leaves it will be cold again, my chest will hurt and my tears will fall but I'll no longer want to destroy myself.

I move slowly, shivering as Mikado's member slides out of me before thrusting back in. I cry out, not used to this. His hands help me move my hips up and down and so I have a steady rhythm. I look down at Mikado beneath me watching his face twist in pleasure.

I shiver and move faster. This feeling is so addicting, I want it to last forever. The heat of Mikado inside of me, so deep inside of me it's more than I can handle. Sweat runs down my face mixing with the tears and salvia as I lose control.

"It feels good…" Mikado murmurs breathlessly as I bounce up and down. "Izaya…"

I moan as his member brushes against my prostate and my pace falters. Mikado moves, sitting up so I'm in his lap and starts thrusting upwards, his grip tight on my hips. Moans and whimpers escape my lips as I wrap my arms around his neck and cling to him moving my hips in time with his thrusts.

"Mikado…! Ah!" I moan loudly as he repeatedly slams into my prostate making lose all sense of mind as my eyes roll back in my head and my nails dig into his shoulders. It's so intense and it feels so good. My moans echoed in the room along with Mikado's much quieter grunts.

"Izaya…!" Mikado groans in my ear making me shiver and tighten around his member. "I'm not…going to last much longer…!" he pants and I moan. I'm close too, I cling to him desperately wanting that release.

My moans and cries get louder and louder as Mikado thrust roughly chasing his climax. "Inside…! Inside…!" I cry between moans and pants. Mikado grits his teeth, moaning my name as he cums. My vision goes white as the feeling of his burning hot release coating my insides pushes me into my own orgasm.

"Mikado…!" I scream as I cum and once again my release coats our chests. Mikado holds me as we pant and I rest my head on his shoulder. Our bodies shiver and tremble with the aftermath of our orgasms.

Mikado pulls back slightly and looks at me. His breath is still ragged and his eyes are dazed. I look back at him and don't make any attempt to move as he slowly leans forward and kisses me. It's unsure, we usually don't touch after we've cum.

Our lips move in sync and I pull him close, pressing my body against his. After a long while, we separated and Mikado fell back, bring me with him, We stayed like that for some time, just lying there holding one another.

"Izaya…" after several minutes Mikado broke the silence but I silenced him with a kiss. I buried my face in his shoulder as I spoke my next words.

"Please…" I murmured. "Can we just…do it again…I just…" I trailed off unable to complete my sentence. I waited, scared he would reject me, push me away remind me that this isn't right but he didn't. Mikado cupped my face and lifted my chin so he could look at me in the eyes.

"Alright…" he whispered before kissing me again.  

* * *

It was morning when I open eyes. I don't remember falling asleep but I have a suspicion that I passed out. I sit up slowly as my entire body aches but as I do, Mikado's cum leaks out of me and coats my thighs. I stare at it in shock, there's so much.

I can't remember how many times we had sex, we kept going until we couldn't anymore. I guess I had passed out and it seems I wasn't the only one. Next to me, Mikado was unconscious and completely naked. I stared at him with wide eyes.

This had never happened before, we'd never woken up together since this started, one of us always left afterward. I frowned deeply as I watched him sleep. We went too far, it isn't supposed to be like this at all.

I clench the stained sheets in my hand and look at Mikado once again. He's covered in marks, kiss marks, bite marks, scratch marks, and bruises. Looking down at my body I know that I look no better. I shake my head. What have I done? It isn't meant to be like this!

I want to run away. I'm scared. What was I thinking!? I run my hands through my hair, pulling at the knotted locks that are matted with what could only be cum, whose? I don't know. I'm so sore, my entrance is burning having been abused recklessly and my body feels heavy with exhaustion.

I don't know what to do. I can't leave, this is my own house. Will Mikado just leave after what happened? I have a feeling he won't. I struggle to get up, my legs swaying like jello as I make my way to the bathroom.

I stumble into the shower, turning on the water making sure it was extra hot before stepping in. The hot water soothed my sore body as it washed all the dried sweat and cum from my skin and hair. I went about the process of cleaning my body as I thought.

I don't know what I'm doing. All I wanted was some time where I didn't feel that overwhelming sadness, that loneliness that silently plagues me. I wanted something to scratch that itch inside me, stop that awful feeling and help me pull myself together.

I just wanted to bask in that warmth a little longer and now I've got myself into a mess. I don't know how Mikado will react when he wakes up. I don't want this to end, I've got no one else to turn too. He understands me, he allowed me to connect with me and I selfishly took advantage of that.

I rested my head on the cold tiles of my shower and closed my eyes as I stuck a finger inside myself, it was tender and every movement hurt a bit but I had to clean it out. Globs of Mikado's cum slid down the back of my thighs as I scooped out as much as I possibly could.

I sighed when it was all out and eagerly washed myself free of all traces of the substance. I stepped out of the shower feeling nice and clean. My body still ached but I knew that it would take time to recover from such strenuous activities.

As I dried myself I caught my reflection. My lips were red and swollen, they felt dry and cracked. My neck, chest, and torso were littered with kiss and bite marks and bruises of where Mikado had held me too tightly were spread all over the rest of my body. If I looked down further, my manhood looked a little worn out, probably irritated by the excessive amount of ejaculation I had done.

I looked like a mess. It dawned on me that at some point last night, sex with Mikado had gone from being about being connected with someone and just plain desire. I didn't want to just be connected to someone…I wanted to be connected with Mikado. I  _wanted_  Mikado.

Which was a huge mistake.

Mikado didn't love me, he didn't care about me nor trust me. Hell, I'm not even sure he likes me at all, I've done some pretty shitty things to him. I don't want to become attached to him. Being attached to someone is how you get hurt. I promised to always keep him at arm's length but last night…

I shook my head and pulled on my usual clothes – black jeans and a black shirt. I ignored the slight pain as the jeans compressed my manhood and hugged my sore ass. I also ignored how the shirt stung my love bites and chafed my nipples.

I blinked in slight shock when I realised that some of the marks were too high up to hide. My V-neck shirt stooped to low revealing a lot of the marks that blessed my skin. I frowned, either I had to mind another shirt or deal with it. A lot of my shirts has low necklines because I hated the feeling of something constricting my neck.

I sighed and shrugged deciding to deal with it as I threw my towel in the laundry hamper. I took a deep breath before I opened the door. I had no idea what to expect when I faced Mikado but I knew it would be better if I just got it over with.

Mikado was awake when I opened the door, he sat on the edge of the bed, the sheets covering his manhood as he stared at the ground. He looked up when I opened the door, his blue eyes glancing over my body, lingering on those marks.

"Izaya-" he started quietly,

"Have a shower first and then we'll talk." I interrupted him unable to look at him while he was still naked. "I'll wait for you downstairs." I said before escaping downstairs. I sighed once I reached the bottom of the stairs.

I don't know how to handle this! I've never thought we'd have to talk about things. I don't know how to face my emotions. I walked over to the kitchen, noticing a slight hitch in my step. I need some coffee. I decided going to the coffee maker to make a pot, I was definitely going to need it.

I hesitated when I opened the cupboard to grab a mug. Did Mikado drink coffee? I can't remember. I got another mug out in case, deciding that if the teen wanted a cup, he could pour it himself. I carefully sat on the sofa with my mug.

My butt sure hurt a lot. I don't even think it hurt this much when we first did it. Then again there is a big difference between doing it once and doing it- I tried to count the number of times in my head – what, like ten times?

We did take breaks where they just laid there together, relaxing. We didn't really talk, we were just basking in the feeling of being together. I sighed as I sipped his bitter coffee and waited for Mikado to come down the stairs.

It didn't take any longer than ten minutes before I heard his quiet footsteps on the stairs. I glanced at him, he was wearing his usual jeans and a black t-shirt. His jacket was slung over his arm. He stopped about a meter away from me looking unsure and conflicted.

"I want to talk about what happened last night." He finally spoke up, his voice and expression were determined. I sighed deeply and nodded.

"I just made coffee if you want some." I said quietly averting my eyes. I listened to his footsteps as he went into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee. I took a deep breath as the couch dipped under the teen's weight.

There was a moment of silence, I didn't speak, waiting for Mikado to make the first move.

"Are you feeling alright?" he finally asked and I nodded.

"I'm a bit sore but otherwise okay." I replied honestly. Mikado stood a deep breath before speaking again.

"Do you regret what happened last night?" he asked sounding a bit sad. I frowned, I was worried it was a mistake, that I've ruined everything.

"I…don't know…what about you?" I looked at him for the first time since he'd sat down. "Do you regret it?"

"No." he answered immediately. "Well, that is if you don't give me a reason to." His reply makes my chest ache.

"Mikado…" I look away. "It…this isn't supposed to be like that." I remind him.

"Be like what? Enjoyable?" Mikado shot back. "Do you really want it to be like this? Only contacting each other when we're depressed and then acting like there's nothing going on between us?"

"There's nothing going on between us!" I protest. "We're just using each other to feel better." I remind him and he shakes his head.

"I know that…but why don't we try to make this something? Izaya, we do this because we're lonely; because we're sad and we feel like we're being drowning…so why don't we try to-"

"No!" I cry desperately tears burning my eyes. "No…" I repeat more calmly. We can't do that. I can't do that. I swore I'd never let anyone in! I can't trust anyone!

"Do you think I would hurt you?" Mikado asked, his surprisingly calm. I stare at the ground as my mind screams yes. The teen beside me sighs. "What's the problem? I'm not saying you have to do anything, we could just try and hang out a bit."

"Why are you saying this? It's not like you're alone. You have friends, you even have that girl you like."

"Firstly, I don't like Anri-san anymore, I haven't in years." Mikado said sternly before softening his voice. "Plus, no one understands me like you do Izaya." His words make me look at him in shock. It's true, even for me. No one understands me like Mikado, he knows what's behind all my masks.

"You don't even like me though…" I feebly protest and Mikado smiled.

"Izaya, do you really think I could hold you if I didn't like you?" he questions gently. "I'm not so selfless to treat someone I dislike so gently." He reaches out and touches my arm.

Too many thoughts flood my brain. Half of me is screaming that he's right, that it could actually work out while the other half is screaming at me to escape. I don't know what to do. Mikado understands me, he gets me like no one else does so what am I so afraid of?

I'm scared that I'll become attached and he'll leave me.

I'm scared he'll come to hate me.

I'm scared.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of so many things.

I take a shaky breath as I look into Mikado's eyes. They're brilliant and blue – so bright and honest. He smiles at me though it's a little sad.

"You don't have to give me answer right now." He says as he stands up. "Just…give it some thought okay? I'll talk to you later." He turns and walks towards the door. I watch him stunned for a moment before I also stand up.

My mind is screaming at me – what do you really have to lose?

Nothing, I have nothing to lose.

"Wait." I grab his arm just before he grabs the door handle. He stares at me with wide eyes, my heart is hammering in my chest.

"I…I guess we can try…" I say nervously. Mikado smiles once more but this time, it doesn't look so sad.

He reaches up and gives me a peck on the lips.

It's a quick and soft gesture but the warmth from his lips fills me to the tips of my toes.

**Author's Note:**

> The next chapter will be variations of who 'he' is:
> 
> -Ryugamine Mikado  
> \- Heiwajima Shizuo.  
> \- Shiki Haruya.  
> \- Kida Masaomi.  
> \- Kadota Kyohei  
> \- Kishitani Shinra.


End file.
